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Dear Mom- Today I lost it…

26 September 2009
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What follows is an email I wrote to my mother in a fury of anger after I let some stupid 4th grade kids upset me:

Oh, Mother.  How I wish you were still awake for me to call you.  I just had one of those explosive moments in class where Teacher Lost Her Head.  I honestly don’t think I have ever been so angry over something so menial.  I hate my Friday classes in the first place, and secondly, Liz and I switched batches of students and I hate her students more than I hated my own.  But, as I go in to teach this class there are two boys known for being notoriously bad.  I had one before and black listed him from our program because I couldn’t keep him under wraps.  Turns out he is a little bit special, or 2% short as Koreans call it, and needs medications for his serious case of ADHD/Devil Spawniness which I think he skipped today.

So, he starts off copying everything I say in a loud, squealing voice.  That has got to be the most annoying thing in all the world- the incessantly LOUD copycat.  Soon after, he started taking all the trash out of his desk and dumping it on the floor.  I don’t know where all these candy wrappers and minuscule pieces of paper come from but he then proceeds to stand up, tilt his desk forward and shake out every flake of dust left in it on my floor.

This point, all the other damn kids are laughing and egging him on so he picks some of the paper up and throws it in the air to fall like snow over the kid sitting next to him.  This whole time I am trying to start the lesson as my Korean colleague is 10 minutes late without giving me any notice, so I have 40 rowdy kids to myself on a Friday morning just before lunch.  For those first 10 minutes I was attempting to start our lesson but couldn’t get them to shut the hell up or do anything I say and as my blood boils at an exponentially fast rate I feel this surge of pure annoyance, no anger, come up from my belly to my chest, through my throat and out my mouth as I yell louder than I have ever before “ALL OF YOU! BE QUIET!”

Stunned faces stare at me silenced, while the 2% kid is rolling around on the floor picking up more paper for his one man confetti show.   I go to grab him by the elbow, the Buckner grab as Principal Buckner was notorious for, and literally wheel him to the door and throw him in the hall as all the kids roll out “Ooooooh Lori Teacher!”  Like they didn’t know “angry” was an emotion I was capable of.  I then whip out my phone to call my Korean colleague who is by this time 15 minutes late and walk down the hall to grab my other Korean colleague, Kelly.  No answer on the phone so I plead for Kelly to come with me and walk into the classroom behind her pointing at the bad kids like the little tattletale I am.

Soon after the original teacher comes in and gets the lesson back on track, the bad kid has been sentenced to picking up all the mess he’s made, and Lori Teacher is fummmmmmming with arms crossed avoiding the gaze of the students watching to see if my head is going to explode.

Class couldn’t finish quickly enough and when it did I headed to lunch with Kelly and Liz.  I got my tray of nastiness and as I sat down to eat I slammed my knee against the table and a jolt of pain caused those things called tears to well up behind my eyes.  At the same time the entire 4th, 5th, and 6th grade classes started filing through saying hello, waving and staring at us as we ate and it was then I realized I was going to lose it.  I couldn’t stand the sight of the food or the kids so without taking a bite I excused myself, dumped my entire tray of food, and hid out in my office which is where I sit now emailing you.

Not only am I still shaking I am so mad but I seriously think I pulled a larynx or popped a vessel.  Kelly knew I was angry and just brought me a mini-cheese cake so I am probably going to just stuff my face with that and pop in a movie for my afternoon classes so I don’t have to talk to any Korean children who I often think are the cutest things in the world but today believe they have been put here to kill me.

I do hope your day goes better than mine.  I love you.  Miss you.  Tell Dad the same.

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. 2 October 2009 1:23 am

    My Lori ~
    What took you so long? “Be Quiet”, would have been the first thing to cross my mind!
    Are there no special classes for the 2% short group? Hmm…don’t go there, that was yesterday and “this is another day”, said Scarlet. Your bike trip seems to be the answer to it all. Enjoy and keep well.
    Your Auntie sends a hug for the day.

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